Parents: When to back off, when to step in

• "Helicopter parents" may result from generational changes in work, values
  
• When safety becomes an issue, it's OK for parents to step in
  
• Generally, parents should not intervene with bad roommates, grades in college
  
• Experts say parents can pay the rent once, but don't make it a habit
  

By Elizabeth Landau
CNN

ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- Do you speed over to your child's school, or even college, whenever something goes wrong?

Many parents today insert themselves into even the most minute activities in their children's lives, a phenomenon that's known as "helicopter parenting."

But two child experts told CNN that parents should aim to empower their children to do things on their own.

"Parenting should be increasingly in the background as the child gets older," said Vivian Friedman, child-adolescent psychologist at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. "If you do for your child for too long, they never learn to do for themselves."

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, M.D., associate professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and author of the book "A Parent's Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens," said it's important to show children you believe they are capable of handling situations themselves, but always put safety first.

The "helicopter parent" trend may have arisen because the focus of marriage has shifted from the spouse to the child, Friedman said. An increase in divorce and a greater prevalence of two working spouses also contribute to parents' habits of spoiling their children.

"When [the kids] have little failures, they feel like our own failures," Ginsburg said. "What we need to understand is that our job as parents is not to finish our kids or produce perfect kids. It's to start our kids."

Here's what Friedman and Ginsburg recommended for various situations that may arise in your child's life:

1. The elementary school is putting on "Peter Pan" tomorrow. While you prepare a presentation for an important business meeting, your daughter calls and tells you she forgot her Tinkerbell costume for the dress rehearsal. "I'm the only one who's not dressed up," she tells you.

Friedman and Ginsburg agreed that it's OK to take care of it the first time she forgets the costume, but not if it becomes a habit.

"The first time: Find a housekeeper or neighbor to bring it over," Friedman said. "But if she does this routinely, she needs to suffer consequences to learn from the experience."

"One time, two-time mistake -- it's wonderful to pick up the pieces," Ginsburg said. "If, in fact, you always end up picking up pieces, you can't expect a kid to learn the valuable lesson that they can do it themselves. Learn from failure -- failure's a great thing when you learn how to recover yourself."

2. You're at the playground reading a newspaper and suddenly your daughter runs up to you crying. "They won't let me make sand castles with them," she whines.

Friedman said this one depends on age. For a 3- or 4-year-old, it's appropriate for the parent to go over to the group as a neutral adult and help the children learn that they need to include everybody.

But for a 7-year-old, it's borderline. "You could say, 'What seems to be the problem? Do you think there's a way we could all play together?' rather than 'You can't exclude my child,' " she said.

Ginsburg, on the other hand, said you can suggest to your child what to say, or recommend that she find someone else to play with, but you shouldn't communicate that your child isn't capable of handling the situation.

"Learning how to play nice with other people in the sandbox is a great metaphor for life," he said.

3. Kids in the seventh-grade class just won't leave your son alone, not even online. Besides shoving him against the lockers once in awhile, they've also set up a MySpace page making fun of his appearance and name.

Experts agree that you should step in here and notify the school. Friedman would also notify the parents of the children involved -- "Most rational, reasonable parents would not support their child doing that," she said.

Ginsburg emphasized that safety always comes first. "You don't allow your daughter to put her hand in the oven to learn it's hot," he said. "You don't allow a kid to be bullied when there should be systems in place to prevent bullying. "

4. Your son started college a month ago, and every time you call him he has a new story about his messy, party-loving roommate who distracts him from studying and interrupts his sleep. "I wouldn't mind as much if it were my own vomit on the floor," your son tells you. He says he'll just stick it out for the rest of the year.

Friedman and Ginsburg said they would not approach the college housing department and ask to have the young man moved, except in extreme or difficult circumstances -- such as if the child is in a special needs program and can't help himself, Friedman said.

"There's nothing wrong with asking open-ended questions to help your son figure it out," Ginsburg said. "It's OK to say 'Who can you talk to at the university to change your living situation?' What's not OK is to call the dean and say 'Move my son.' "

5. Always a technical genius, your daughter majors in electrical engineering and will surely become a pioneer of great innovations. But this semester, the last of her junior year, she failed her 18th-century literature class, which she took to fulfill the subject-area distribution requirements. This is going to look pretty bad on graduate school applications.

While the daughter can speak to the professor on her own, Friedman and Ginsburg said they would not intervene in this situation.

Special circumstances would be if the grade was truly unfair and there was real foul play involved, or if the professor was drunk -- but otherwise, Friedman said, "It's her F, it's not your F. I would do absolutely nothing."

6. Your daughter has been in the real world for a year, but she says she's not ready to keep herself afloat financially. For the third time this summer she asks for help paying the rent -- "phone bill would be extra nice," she adds. You also notice that she's got a new pair of Manolo Blahnik pumps, and an iPhone is sticking out of her purse.

Friedman said she would not allow this to come up a third time -- she would have made the daughter set up an automatic debit system early on so her child's rent comes out of the account when her paycheck is deposited. "By the third month, I would let her sink, but I'm not a helicopter parent," she said.

Ginsburg emphasized again the safety component: He would never want his daughter to become homeless. He would pay the first month's rent with clear expectations: She needs to learn how to make a budget, she can't spend money on other things until things like rent and food are taken care of, and she needs to know that this is a loan. "Seven months in a row: she needs to find a roommate," he said.

Finally, note that there are no villains here, Ginsburg said.

"The parents who we think do too much are still doing their very best," he said. "Real success involves resilience: the capacity to learn to bounce back on your own."

All AboutEducation • Parenting

Find this article at: http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/family/09/17/helicopter.parents/index.html

Tip of the Day - Time Management

Break it down!

Do you have an extensive assignment approaching, like your English research paper? Something so large can seem daunting, and you end up putting it off until the last minute. Break it down!

Outline the major due dates - topic, rough draft, bibliography, etc. Set dates for yourself on each part.

Is the required length 10 pages? Write a page a day for 10 days.

Little bits of success are motivating. Big disasters can ruin everything. Need help? Stop by!

Can Your Favorite Color Determine Your Perfect Job?

By Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com writer

Do you ever wish finding the perfect job could be as easy as one, two, three? According to new research, it might be as easy as red, yellow or blue.

That's right; by determining which primary, secondary and achromatic colors you prefer most and least, you can figure out a successful career path based on how you approach work, the types of workplaces where you work best and how you handle work tasks.

The Color Career Counselor (on CareerPath.com), powered by The Dewey Color System -- the world's only validated, non-language color-based career testing instrument -- uses color preferences to determine successful career paths. Dewey Sadka, author of "The Dewey Color System," says using colors instead of a questionnaire eliminates the chasm between self-perception and self-truth and reveals your core motivations.

"What if you misinterpret a [career assessment] question or the choices don't reflect your personality?" Sadka asks. "Color preference indicates your personality's best career fit. Preferred colors indicate passionate career pursuits; non-preferred choices establish workplace skills you least enjoy."

How it works

The Color Career Counselor is simple. First, you click your preferred primary color (red, yellow or blue). From there, you choose your preferred secondary (green, purple or orange) and achromatic (black, white or brown) colors.

"Your preferred colors determine how you attack each task. They indicate your talents -- what you prioritize first in order to be successful. They also highlight what you overdo, especially when you feel great," Sadka says.

For example, if you're partial to yellow, you're information-driven; blue preference people are idea-driven and people who prefer red are results-driven. If you favor green as your secondary color, you realistically evaluate situations; purple indicates you like fact-finding possibilities and orange signals that you scrutinize feasibility. Finally, if black is your choice from the achromatic colors, you consider value above all else; white shows that you like having options and brown confirms that you like implementation and accomplishing tasks.

On the other hand, your least preferred colors determine tasks and issues that you tend to forget.

For example, if your least favorite color is orange, sometimes you overcommit yourself by trying to do too much at once. If you dislike the color green, you try to fix everything for your colleagues rather than making them do it themselves. Or, if your least favorite is teal, you feel a deep need to prove you are competent.

In managing these areas head-on, Sadka says you won't miss the incidentals that could impede your success.

Put to the test

To see for myself if this "scientific" test was for real, I took the test three different times and got the same results each time, affirming that I am, in fact, in the right career.

I'm a "creator," says the Color Career Counselor. I'm "nonconforming, impulsive, expressive, romantic, intuitive, sensitive and emotional." It says I enjoy working independently, being creative, using my imagination and constantly learning something new.

For my suggested "creator occupations," I was given an extensive list of careers that included jobs I've considered (architect, interior decorator, English teacher), jobs people told me I should pursue (author, creative director, public relations) and jobs that I currently hold or aspire to in the future (reporter and editor).

What about you?

So are you a researcher, creator, social manager, persuader, doer or organizer? To find out what career path you should be following based on your preferred colors, here are a few examples of what certain choices say about you, and the careers and skills that complement them.

If you prefer yellow, purple and white: You're the communicator

You create profitable perspectives -- how to break into new accounts or be heard by other employees. By simply identifying a client's point of view, you develop strategies that open doors, even if they had already been shut. Your excellent communication skills can create problem-solving forums. Careers in corporate communications, marketing or religious occupations work best.

If you prefer red, green and black: You're the investor

You know the value of money and resources, as well as the intrinsic worth of each co-worker's contributions. Your supportive, yet analytical personality works best in finance, accounting, banking, manufacturing, property management, production analysis, investment, money management, consulting, product sales or teaching.

If you prefer blue, orange and brown: You're the activist

Your strong community beliefs and no-nonsense approach improve services for those around you. Occupations where you can improve existing specifications or impact social values work best for you. Consider careers in engineering, building, or developing new programs, companies or products. Also consider law enforcement, firefighting, social or government work.

These are only a few of hundreds of different color profiles. For your own free career evaluation, please visit: http://www.careerpath.com/

Rachel Zupek is a writer and blogger for CareerBuilder.com. She researches and writes about job search strategy, career management, hiring trends and workplace issues.

Copyright 2008 CareerBuilder.com. All rights reserved.
The information contained in this article may not be published, broadcast or otherwise distributed without prior written authority.

Story Filed Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 9:57 AM

College students: Don't limit dreams with debt

Huge school loans can hinder future growth. Think about potential income before signing the dotted line.

By Kathleen Connell

from the September 15, 2008 edition

A college education has long been viewed as a ticket to a better quality of life. It is probably the most important decision a student will make and it may have the highest rate of return in achieving life goals. Unfortunately, some students do not think clearly about this decision, buying the "hot" college brand and assuming large amounts of debt. By overinvesting, they destroy their chances for a brighter future.

"Excessive student debt, often made without an explicit decision on its impact on future life choices, not only restricts traditional career choices but the basic ability of young people to take risks – requiring them to defer their dreams," says Robert Shireman, executive director for the nonprofit Project on Student Debt.

Carmen Berkeley, a 23-year-old who graduated from the University of Pittsburgh last year, assumed a huge financial burden to attend a public university as an out-of-state student.

"My life is definitely impacted by my $80,000 college debt from the University of Pittsburgh," she says. "I really want to go to law school, but can't unless I get a scholarship. Though I believe my college education was a good investment, I doubt I will ever own a car or a house."

The nonprofit US Student Association, where she serves as president, contributes a $200 monthly stipend to assist in retiring her loans. Once she completes 10 years of public service, Ms. Berkeley will also qualify for loan forgiveness under the 2007 Higher Education Act for a portion of her outstanding federal loans. Even with the stipend and loan forgiveness, it will take her more than 20 years to repay her debt.

Berkeley did not consider future income before assuming her loans, although she anticipated always working in the nonprofit or public sector. Her choices confirm a recent survey by student-loan provider Sallie Mae that post-graduate income was not a factor for 70 percent of students and parents in determining how much to borrow to finance a college degree.

So after the glossy college brochures arrive in the mail and the visits to leafy college campuses are over, students need to ask themselves: Can I afford this school without excessive borrowing? How long will it take to pay off that wonderful four-year experience at the campus of my dreams?

Students, remember: You will be deferring other dreams for a cool car, well-furnished pad, weekend ski trips, summer beach vacations, and the latest tech toys.

According to the Project on Student Debt, the average 2006 graduate carried $21,100 in loans. But student debt has a disproportionate effect on middle-class families. Families with incomes between $50,000 and $100,000 will borrow nearly $5,000 a year to pay for college. Those that make less than $50,000 will borrow on average $3,900, and families that earn over $100,000 will borrow $3,710.

To begin paying off those loans, graduates of the class of 2008 will receive an average salary of $36,400 according to the National Association of Colleges and Employers. Sounds great, until those graduates have to pay taxes, bringing net income to $27,500 or approximately, $2,300 a month. According to federal tables, they can expect to spend $1,800 to $2,000 a month for rent, utilities, out-of-pocket healthcare, car payments, gasoline, insurance and, entertainment. The remaining $300 to $500 a month may seem comfortable enough for the $230 a month needed to repay a $20,000 student loan at 6.8 percent over a 10-year period.

But repaying college tuition is only one part of the debt equation.

"Social debt is another concern as students face the pressure of keeping up with other students, hanging with the right crowd," says Sharon Fries-Britt, an English professor at the University of Maryland. "Credit cards are being overextended, and students are indebting their future, limiting their life choices."

For students who don't want to have daunting repayment obligations, consider these ideas:

•Know the average amount of debt that students carry at each of your potential colleges. Check economicdiversity.org for more information.

•Use the 2009 US News college ranking table that values schools based on debt load (usnews.com/sections/rankings/index.html).

•Remember, you may not qualify for a grant based on need if your family's income exceeds $100,000, so don't assume a grant unless you are certain you qualify.

•If short on funds, choose a cheaper route. Live at home for two years, attend a community college, and transfer to a state university.

•Check out your likely starting salary at naceweb.org – don't plan to borrow more than your first year's income.

• Dr. Kathleen Connell is a professor at Haas Graduate Business School, University of California, Berkeley.

Find this article at:
http://www.csmonitor.com/2008/0915/p14s01-wmgn.html

Tip of the Day - Self-care/Wellness

Are you getting enough physical activity? Exercise not alone keeps your body functioning at the top of its potential, but assists with stress reduction and can help you sleep. Thirty minutes a day, every day is what is recommended. What are your current levels?

Check out the following resources for more information:

Kids Health
Fitness for Youth

Tip of the Day - College/Career Prep

Peterson's MyStudentEdge is coming!

This FREE resource will be rolled out to all Perry High School students this fall. It includes:

• FREE ACT and SAT practice tests and test preparation classes
• College searches
• Career searches
• College application help
• Resume building
  
• And much more!

A flyer will be mailed home soon. Watch for it!

One in five bosses screens applicants' Web lives

Top concern: Candidates posting information about drinking or using drugs

Reuters

updated 11:34 a.m. ET, Thurs., Sept. 11, 2008

NEW YORK - Written references could become old hat for hiring managers with one in five saying they use social networking sites to research job candidates — and a third of them dismissing the candidate after what they discover.

A survey by online job site CareerBuilder.com of 3,169 hiring managers found 22 percent of them screened potential staff via social networking profiles, up from 11 percent in 2006.

An additional nine percent said they don't currently use social networking sites like Facebook or MySpace to screen potential employees but they do plan to start.

The survey found that 34 percent of the managers who do screen candidates on the Internet found content that made them drop the candidate from any short list.

The top area for concern among the hiring managers with 41 percent citing this as a downfall were candidates posting information about drinking or using drugs.

The second area with 40 percent of concern were candidates posting provocative or inappropriate photographs or information.

Other areas of concern to arise from social network sites were poor communication skills, lying about qualifications, candidates using discriminatory remarks related to race, gender or religion, and an unprofessional screen name.

But the survey found hiring managers scouring social network pages was not all bad with 24 percent of these managers saying they found content to help them solidify their decision to hire that candidate.

Top factors that influenced their hiring decision included candidate's backgrounds supporting their qualifications for the job, proving they had good communications skills, and having a site that conveyed a professional image with a wide range of interests.

"Hiring managers are using the Internet to get a more well-rounded view of job candidates in terms of their skills, accomplishments and overall fit within the company," said CareerBuilder.com spokeswoman Rosemary Haefner in a statement.

"As a result, more job seekers are taking action to make their social networking profiles employer-friendly. Sixteen percent of workers who have social networking pages said they modified the content on their profile to convey a more professional image to potential employers."

Copyright 2008 Reuters. Click for restrictions.

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26658850/

Tip of the Day - Study Skills

Flash Cards. Do they work for you? If so, USE THEM! But don't rely only on memorizing a vocabulary word or date. Learn the information in context. For example:

Learning Vocabulary - now you know the definition... learn the word completely by:

• using it in a sentence at least once a day
• find the word in context and define it on the spot
• use the new word in a writing assignment

Learning "Data" (dates, periodic table elements, etc.) - So you can recite what is on the card, but can you:

• Explain why the data is important?
• Identify the information backwards?
  
• Translate it to the larger concept (I know the periodic number of Gold... but what does that mean in relation to silver?)?

Flash cards are simply for learning arithmetic problems. Think of new uses.

Tip of the Day - balancing friends and schoolwork

The grading period interim is here. Are your grades where they should be? where you want them to be? where your parents expect them to be? Many times the first grading period takes some adjusting. New year. New classes. New friends.

Are your friends getting in the way of your academics? Take a step back and see. Am I spending enough time studying? How long am I on My Space or Facebook every night? What are my goals for the future? Do I need to slow down on my social life?

Just because you aren't focusing on being social doesn't mean you can't be social. Form a study group - you get to spend time with friends, but you are also hitting the books.

A Study Group lets you:

• be social
• learn with -and sometimes from - others
• have time to clarify your questions from people who speak your language
• have fun while learning

Need help forming a group? Talk to your teacher or come down to the office and talk to me.

Agendas

So, you're in class, and you really need to use the restroom. Your teacher asks for your agenda, and you've lost it. Remember - agendas are the only way you are allowed to move about the school - you have 4 pages of passes!

If you need a new agenda, you can purchase one for $6 from the main office.

Tip of the Day - Time Management

So now you have several days of data on how you spend every minute of your 24 hours. Now it's time to analyze this time.

Make a second list for each day, this time grouping together like activities. For example, all of your classes should be lumped together - but NOT lunch. Are you in clubs or sports? Those activities should be together.

After you've divided up all of your time into these categories, rank them in order of importance. How do you determine importance? It will be different for everyone. However, be REAL! Do not put "Video Games" before attending school. Ask an adult to help you if you get stuck.

Once your activities are ranked, you should see time that is wasted in your day. Again, ask someone to review this list, because sleeping and eating times are not "wasted" - they are necessary for survival, and I would argue they are the most important items in your day. But if you spend 12 hours sleeping and 4 hours eating, that's another story.

Underclass Student Pictures

Picture Day for all underclass students is Wednesday, September 10, 2008. Order forms will be distributed in sixth block classes.

Tip of the Day - Self-care/Wellness

Are you worried about eating correctly? Check out the new government guidelines to ensure you are consuming a balanced diet. You can personalize the site since every person has different nutritional needs based on size, age, and sex. Check it out at www.mypyramid.gov.

Tip of the Day - College/Career Prep

It's application time!

Seniors should be preparing for their Senior Counselor meeting (schedules will be posted on Monday). We will discuss: college/career plans, testing (ACT, SAT), applications, scholarships, etc. Be prepared for many questions - we want to make sure we're helping you as much as possible.

Sign up for a time ASAP! Schedules will be posted in the Senior Lounge.

Tip of the Day - Study Skills

How do you prepare for a test? Do you wait until the night before and try to cram in all of the information? I admit, I once operated like this. Did I do well on the test? Yes, because I memorized everything. But did I learn the material and completely understand everything? No. I didn't. And it came back to haunt me when I had to apply the knowledge in a new situation. It wasn't until I was in high school that I learned new ways to study that helped me learn rather than memorize. My personal favorite is the note-rewrite.

Every night, read through your notes from class. When I would do this, I would notice that sometimes my thoughts in class were jumbled, and I would write them out again in a more concise fashion. I continued this every night, adding on the the clearer set of notes, and reading that from the beginning every night. When it came to preparing for a test, I found that I was so familiar with the information, and organized in class to ask clarifying questions, that I no longer needed to cram the night before and the material remained with me after the test.

If you think this might help you, stop by and I will show you what to do. At first it added about 5 minutes to my nightly homework session, but soon made things work faster.

Senior Meetings

The Guidance Department in conjunction with Mrs. Meinen, our LEAF Advisor, visited senior English classes yesterday to begin the college application process. We will continue to meet with students who do not have an English class at Perry this semester (Auburn, PSEO, or 2nd semester English).

In addition to this classroom meeting, we will be scheduling appointments with every senior to go over their plans for the year. And if you do not have a plan, we'll help you develop one! Look for sign up sheets in the senior lounge and listen out for the morning announcements for more information.

Tip of the Day - Helping a Friend

Are you concerned about one of your friends? Would you like help sitting down with them to make sure they are okay? Please remember that your counselor is available to help you with not only your problems, but with concerns you have about the health and safety of your friends. We have helped mediate through rough spots, developed scripts and helped prepared a student confront a friend, and, when necessary, jumped in and taken over a risky situation. If you are unsure of how to help, come see us. We have many resources that we can recommend.

ACT and SAT Registration

The ACT and SAT testing schedules have begun for 2008-09. All seniors who are planning to apply to college need at least one test prior to submitting their applications.

** If you are a senior and have not yet take the ACT or SAT, take the Fall (October or November) test.**

Basic registration information:

ACT:

• Go to www.actstudent.org to register, or pick up a packet in the Guidance Office.
• Cost = $31; $46 with writing
• Take the writing test at least once
• 4 parts: English, Reading, Science, and Mathematics
• closest test date = October 25

SAT:

• Go to www.collegeboard.com to register
• Cost = $45
• 3 parts: Critical Reading, Mathematics, and Writing
• closet test date = October 4
  

Tip of the Day - Time Management

Are you using your planner and still not getting everything done? still forgetting items? For three days, keep a list of everything you do. Yes, everything! From eating to going to class to riding in the car to sleeping, keep track of how long every item in 72 hours takes you to complete. After you have this three-day record, take some time to look it over and see if you have pockets of time that are not being used wisely. If you need help, stop by and I will gladly look at a day in your life and make some suggestions for increasing your productivity.

Tip of the Day - Self-care/Wellness

Are you getting enough sleep? So many students are yawning as they enter the building in the morning. Sleep is very important for many reasons: concentration, health, healing, etc. Your goal should be 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night.

Tips for sleeping well:

Develop a routine for your end-of-the-day tasks.
Go to bed at the same time every night.
Turn off the computer, cell phone, I-Pod, etc.
Wake up at the same time every morning.
Sleep in a dark, quiet room.